Croakfinger

• Unlocking the Golden Gun Before Midnight”

There comes a time in every daring escapade when the music swells, the mission clock ticks down, and our dashing protagonist—tuxedoed, determined, and distinctly reptilian—must secure the ultimate prize before the villain of inertia prevails.

That time, dear reader, is now.

We stand, figuratively, in the shimmering vault of GoldenEye 007—a temple of nostalgia and challenge. Before Croaky lies the fabled Golden Gun, that pixelated instrument of one-shot justice, locked away behind a glowing counter that reads 97 / 100. Three more paid subscribers and the vault opens. The reward? No, not just a golden firearm, but something far more dangerous: Really just self ratification, also some influence.

Because this isn't just about vanity metrics or digital bragging rights. This is about breaking through. About rising up the Substack ranks not on the back of clickbait or populist slop, but on wit, insight, and the unmatched charisma of a tiny gator with a very large brain and a very tight bowtie.

You’ve lurked. You’ve laughed. You’ve read entire articles on Trump’s Tariff Socialism and Accidentally Argued for Toy Rationing, and muttered, “He’s got a point.” You’ve nodded sagely at takedowns of fake intellectuals and applauded with your eyeballs when Croaky took aim at the grifters who wouldn’t know Burke from a barbell.

And yet—yet—you haven’t subscribed?

This is your GoldenEye moment. Don’t be Oddjob. Don’t hide behind the moral crate of “I meant to later.” No. It’s April 30th. The clock says 11:57. The vault is glowing.

$5. That’s it. That’s the price of one indie coffee, two MAGA NFTs, or a tenth of an overpriced burger at a Con Inc. fundraiser, or 50 of you want to see me doing this a year from now.

Be the last-minute agent who gets it done. Be Bond. Be bold. Be subscriber #98, #99, or—yes—#100.

Because when Croaky unlocks that Golden Gun, he’s not just winning a challenge.

He’s declaring: "This Substack will not be ignored."

And neither should you.

[Subscribe now. Finish the mission.]